The Last Human Freedom

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[This excellent post on relationships was written by Ken Sande, founder of Peacemaker Ministries.]

“The last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude.”

So wrote Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust, living through the deprivation and horrors of both Auschwitz and Dachau.

Consider the background for his writing about freedom.

His wife, parents, and brother were killed by the Nazis. His captors imprisoned him with barbed wire. They assigned him his lice-infected bed. They gave him one set of stripped prison clothes. They allowed him no menu options, just a crust of bread and watered-down soup.

They told him when to wake up, when to work, and when to sleep. They controlled all his relationships and restricted his speech, severely punishing the slightest disrespect or opposition.

They took away every freedom a person can have … except for one. They could not force their way into his mind and take away his freedom to choose his attitude toward his circumstances and his life. That was his and his alone to control.

The same is true for you and me, especially with the much smaller struggles we face.

Your difficult spouse cannot control your attitude. But you can.

Your rebellious teen cannot control your attitude. But you can.

Your ungrateful supervisor cannot control your attitude. But you can.

You and you alone will choose whether you will be hopeful or despairing today. Thankful or grumbling. Cheerful or miserable. Patient or irritable. Encouraging or critical. Kind or harsh. The list of choices goes on and on.

Yes, it’s hard to choose a positive attitude in the face of difficult circumstances or hurtful relationships. But with God’s help, you can choose an attitude that reveals his presence and power in your life.

That’s what Paul and Silas did in Philippi. After offending some merchants, they were severely flogged and thrown into prison, with their feet fastened in stocks (Acts 16:23-24). Every freedom taken away … except the freedom to choose their attitude in the face of brutal persecution. What did they choose?

They chose to pray for God’s grace, which he poured out so lavishly that they overflowed with singing and praise, and a gospel sermon resulting in salvation for their jailer and his family (Acts 16:25-34).

You can draw on the same grace and choose a similar attitude today. If you dwell much on Jesus and his gospel, as Paul did, you can choose to be hopeful, thankful, cheerful, patient, encouraging, and kind, no matter what your circumstances may be.

Doing so will impact every relationship in your life. It will impact how you view and engage God, how you view and engage yourself, how you view and engage the people around you (also known as “the SOG Plan).

Most importantly, choosing an attitude of faith and hope, even in the midst of challenging circumstances, will reveal the life-giving and life-changing presence of Jesus Christ in your life.

- Ken Sande

Reflection questions:

  • What enabled the apostle Paul to be content in every circumstance of life? (Phil. 4:11-13)
  • What attitude does God call us to choose when we are experiencing hardship or injustice? (Psalm 37)
  • How can an increased awareness of Jesus’ attitude impact our relationship with the people around us? (Phil. 2:1-11)
  • Both the Psalms and personal experience show that life sometimes involves real pain, grieving, and sorrow. What do the Psalms teach us about honestly experiencing and expressing that suffering, while still maintaining an attitude of faith and hope? (Psalm 73; 102)

For more guidance on how to improve your relational wisdom, see Discover RW.

Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes with as many people as you like.

© 2013 Ken Sande

Gods at War by Kyle Idleman

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Titan Mascot with Trident and Crown Graphic Vector IllustrationAlthough I read a lot of self-help books, I’d rather read an adventure any day. Give me lost travelers, hidden treasure and epic battles. Figuratively speaking, that’s exactly what Kyle Idleman does in Gods at War. He introduces the reader to many of the villains secretly fighting for our moral allegiance. Using a casual style replete with personal and Biblical examples, this is an easy read which is also psychologically and theologically sound. It held my attention like a great adventure and challenged me to fight God’s battles in my own heart. [Clarification: this is a nonfiction book and is not written as an adventure story ala Peretti.  It's a straightforward, in-your-face challenge to take a look at the idols in your life.]

Christians automatically recognize some priorities as troublesome, like money and success. But Idleman includes others which may seem wholly good, such as family. In talking about “disordered loves,” Idleman recounts the story of a woman who realized her kids had become too powerful in her life: “Her children, and what was going on with them, determined whether she had a good day. If they behaved themselves and didn’t throw any tantrums, she could feel good about life. Otherwise, she could not… She realized they were controlling who she was as a person…This is exactly what a false god does” (p. 216). I must tell you that this resonated with me, and it wasn’t the only paragraph which did.

I am giving this book my highest recommendation. Buy one copy for yourself and another to give away. If I could only recommend one book on idolatry, I would choose this one – even over Tim Keller’s excellent Counterfeit Gods. Kyle Idleman’s first book is entitled Not a Fan. I haven’t read it yet, but I plan to. If Gods at War is any indication, I am a  fan!

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Calling Versus Passion

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Ian Charleson (foreground) and Ben Cross (left...Eric Liddell ruined the well-being of a whole generation of Christians.

If you know who Eric Liddell was, then I probably have your irate attention.  In case you don’t (and you haven’t already used Wikipedia to find out), he was also known as “the flying Scotsman,” the gold medal winner of the 400 meter race at the 1924 Summer Olympics.  He died while a missionary to China during the Second World War.  There is much more to his story, and I would encourage you to read one of the several biographies available and to watch the wonderful 1981 movie entitled Chariots of Fire.  Actually, it’s the script-writers of that movie who stole our peace, not Eric himself.  In the movie, Eric is urged by his sister to give up his running career in order to leave for the mission field.  He tells her, “I believe God made me for a purpose [China], but He also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.”

Somehow, the first half of that line has gotten lost, and only the second half, the part about feeling God’s pleasure, has become the motto of Western Christians trying to find their calling in life.  We now associate feelings of pleasure with God’s presence and ‘call.’  We want an assignment which will give us that sense of pleasure, achievement, blessing and satisfaction which Eric-the-actor was apparently talking about, and we have somehow assumed that it is out there for everyone if we can only find it.

The Bible uses the word ‘calling’ a bit differently.  Primarily, it uses the word to mean our salvation (Rom. 11:26, 29; Eph. 4:1; Heb. 3:1; 2 Tim. 1:9; 2 Peter 1:10).  Second, it uses ‘calling’ to indicate the good works which flow out of our salvation (Mark 6:7; 2 Thess. 1:11).  Finally, the same word is used twice to indicate our unchosen situation in life (1 Cor. 7:20, Heb. 5:4).  Our ‘call’ is that to which we have been called by a sovereign God – nothing more and nothing less.  There is no promise that we will like those things.  If you are married, then you have been called to love your spouse well.  If you are a parent, then you have been called to raise your children in the instruction of the Lord.  No matter your job, you have been called to do it as though you were working directly for God.  You have been called to evangelism, to serve the church, to abide in God’s word, to pursue holiness, to be a good steward of the gifts and resources God has given you.  These things ARE your calling, and they give God pleasure.  Occasionally, they may coincide with something that gives you pleasure, but often, they will be difficult and burdensome.

We have redefined ‘calling’ to mean a mission for which we have a great desire.  I think the modern word for that is ‘passion.’  Too many Christians have absorbed the idea that God will give them a mission and a passion which coincide, and until they find it, they have not found His calling for their lives; they have missed it.  That’s miserable American idolatry. 

It’s American because this country may be the first in history to give its citizens an absolute expectation of free choice in their vocation, their leisure and their relationships. Jesus was a carpenter because his father was a carpenter.  Few women had any vocation outside the home.  Jesus’ parents most likely had an arranged marriage.  The number of children they had was out of their hands.  Any leisure consisted of family gatherings and worship services.  And that was for free men, to say nothing of the many slaves who came to Christ.  In that era, it was only the Roman nobility, with their games and orgies, who had real choices about how they spent their time.  And within this rigid framework, the Apostles told the faithful that they were called to follow God’s leading, to honor and serve Him in all things.

It’s idolatry because we are looking to find our fulfillment in a thing rather than a Person.  God is pleased when we look more like Jesus, the Man of Sorrows, not when we look more like the fictional version of Eric Liddell who found an exceptional ability that he loved.  I am not saying it’s wrong to pursue something we love.  I am a counselor, and I help people discover the things that they love. We do have choices today, and if our passion happens to coincide with an exceptional ability or with a job which provides for our family, then that is an incredible blessing for which we should be eternally grateful.  However, it is neither an entitlement nor even a common occurrence.  In fact, even those things we name ‘passion’ have a way of succumbing to the Fall.

Finally, it’s miserable because so many people believe they have missed God’s direction for their lives.  Either they have failed or God has failed because they don’t have a miraculous experience of God’s pleasure in their activities.  If you do a Bible word-search on pleasure, you will find that God takes pleasure in His gospel and our obedience, and that the pleasure of man is often associated with sin (e.g., Prov. 21:17 or 2 Peter 2:13).  Please don’t use the measure of pleasure – how can you know if it’s God’s or your own? – to decide whether you are on the right path.  Do what is right and then pursue something that you love, but please don’t name that your ‘calling.’  It is only your passion. 

Instead of trying to find a passion we can make into our calling, perhaps we should spend more mental energy and prayer time making our calling into our passion.

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Nobody’s Savior

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Superheroine in CityI’ve been sitting in a counseling room listening to people’s deepest struggles for almost five years now.  In that time a lot of voices have accumulated in my head, and some of them are talking trash.  Like the one which constantly tells me that I have do something, say something, make something happen to FIX IT – that if I don’t, I will have failed myself and the people who are counting on me.  The truth is, I could spend every daylight hour (not to mention those wee, morning hours) researching, brainstorming and praying for people and still hear the urgent voice of worry.  But there is a simple, two-part truth which allows me to sleep at night, to grieve appropriately and to avoid foolish pride.  Here’s what I tell myself: “They have a Savior, and it’s not me.”

First of all, I’m nobody’s savior despite the guilty self-talk I hear in my head.  The Lord may choose to use me in someone’s life, and that would be wonderful, but I can’t save them.  If I think I can, then it’s my soul which is in greatest peril.  Even if I took a bullet for someone else, I would not have saved them.  I would only have prolonged their earthly journey, and I doubt I’d even try to take that bullet.  I don’t have the wisdom of a savior.  I don’t have the courage of a savior.  I don’t have the power of a savior.  To think that my responsibilities include saving anyone, even my own children, is to steal the honor which belongs to Another.

Second, the world already has a Savior.  All these suffering, broken, limited people have a remedy.  Some of them know it, and some of them don’t, but that doesn’t change the simple fact that “the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.”  (1 John 4:14)  I can talk about the remedy, but I can’t manipulate God’s will for anyone, and I can’t thwart it.  I can only yield to it, accept it, trust it.

What about you?  Is there a voice in your head which urges you to fix everyone in your life?  Or maybe just one person?  Do you ever worry or preach or run screaming from the room carry unwarranted guilt?  If so, then you can have my motto to use for a while yourself, no extra charge.

“They have a Savior, and it’s not me.”  That kind of self-talk can quiet a lot of trash talk.

I’ve re-posted this blog from more than a year ago because I needed to hear it again.

Say You’re Sorry

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Angry little girl grinning“Tell your sister you’re sorry you shoved those Legos up her nose or you won’t get any dessert.”

“Sorrr – rry.

Those of us with conventional parents learned the value of social conformity as toddlers. We learned that life works out better for us if we say those magic words, “I’m sorry.” You don’t have to really mean them – in fact, we may not even be sure what it means to really mean them. Does it mean we regret getting caught and suffering the consequences? Does it mean we wish we’d thought of a more subtle, acceptable way to get what we wanted? Does it mean we recognize the pain of the person we have hurt? Or does it mean even more than that?

Repentance was Jesus’s first message (Matt. 3:2; Mark 1:15; Luke 5:32; John 5:14), and it’s a significant theme in both the Old and New Testaments, yet, we rarely stop to consider its implications. We can all recognize a fake apology, but what makes repentance real? Scripture gives us at least three markers for sincere contrition: a broken heart, a humble spirit and a changed mind.

“You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God” (Psalm 51:17b, NLT). Real repentance is heartfelt repentance. It is accompanied by genuine and vulnerable emotions of sorrow.  Plastic conformity and bare intellectual assent are disqualified. A broken heart looks like grief; it looks like Christ’s tears shed for wayward souls (Luke 19:41).

“I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts”  (Isaiah 57:15, NLT). A humble spirit is ready and willing to receive whatever consequences may come, knowing that God is in control. Humility sets aside selfish motives and the natural tendency to defend oneself.  Humble repentance looks like Jesus, silent and meek before His accusers (1 Peter 2:23). [Note: I am not saying that Jesus was repentant - Jesus had nothing to repent of. He simply showed us what real humility looks like.]

“Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God.” (Matthew 3:8, NLT). Repentance implies a 180-degree turn away from sin. One of the two Hebrew words used for repentance in the Old Testament has this very meaning. The Greek word most often used in the New Testament means to change one’s mind. This is an active meaning which includes, but goes beyond, heart-change.  It means that if God gave you a do-over, you would make a different choice. I have known people who tried to claim forgiveness ahead of time, saying that God would forgive them after they have their fun. By definition, this is an unrepentant attitude. A changed mind begins to resemble the mind of Christ. A changed life begins to look like the life of Christ (1 John 2:6).Mirror

So the next time the Holy Spirit convicts me of sin (that’s a whole different. blog post), I will ask myself whether my heart is broken, my spirit is humbled and my mind is changed. If so, then repentance has done its work – making me look more like Jesus.

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The Fantasy Fallacy by Shannon Ethridge

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Women struggle with pornography and sexual fantasy.  There.  I said it.  It’s high time someone did.  I’ve known the truth of that statement since I was in middle school, but while there is plenty of helpful information available for men who are caught in the current epidemic of prurient sexuality, there is almost nothing for women.  Therefore, I present to you Shannon Ethridge’s intriguing analysis of the meaning behind the stories in our heads.  Written especially for women, the material could certainly be helpful to men, as well.

Beginning with the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, Ms. Ethridge notes the pervasive reality of sexual distortion in today’s entertainment, and then she discusses some of the ways that reality has invaded our churches, our homes and our thoughts.  Each of the later chapters in the book tackles a slightly different type of pornographic obsession, from bondage to multiple partners to same-sex attraction.  However, she manages to do so in a way which neither inflames imaginations nor judges strugglers, humbly numbering herself among them.  In each case Ethridge applies the Gospel as the ultimate fulfillment of every woman’s false fantasies.

My only criticism of this much–needed tool is that the author brushes rather lightly over the subject.  I felt it could have included more foundational material on the near-universality of taboo sexual fantasies and their spiritual significance.  The book left me wanting to know more about additional themes and to be given more practical tools for prevention, analysis and correction.  Perhaps those will come later in a study guide so that we women can share our struggles in support groups, the way men often do these days.  This book is a good first step, and I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with their sexual thought-life.

If you would like more information, visit the author’s website at http://www.shannonethridge.com.

Regret

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Blood and KnifeGodly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 2 Cor. 7:10 (NIV)

Bitterness is a knife we use to stab ourselves over and over again, so writes Ken Sande in his blog this week.  I know that feeling… watching yourself bleed out, plunging the blade in one more time.  Alongside unforgiveness, I have another weapon I use just as effectively for the same purpose: regret.  “If only.”  “Should have.”  “Stupid.”

I recently made a remark to a friend which, at the time, seemed a harmless – even a helpful – thing to say.  However, it ended up hurting a third party in a way that I completely failed to foresee.  I called that person and apologized, but for several days I was haunted by regret.  I replayed the scenario over and over in my head.  I worried about other people who might find out what I had done.  I thought about different ways I wished I had handled it all.  I stabbed myself until the blood ran.

Regret is a near-cousin to bitterness but its object is less definite.  When we are angry with a particular person, there is someone to blame.  With regret, blame is a shape-shifter that slides around the corners of our consciousness.  At one moment we are angry at ourselves.  At another, we are angry “at the situation.”  Sometimes, if we can admit it, we are angry with God.  But always, we are really, really sorry.

And regret brings along its twin sister, shame.  Regret laments the exposure of our ineptitude or sin.  It covers us with a slimy, red film which returns after every washing.  It names us worthless, senseless and bad.  It stands us in the corner with the admonition to “think about what we have done.”

Regret cries out for a cosmic re-do; it’s our attempt to reorder the universe, to punish ourselves, to atone for our failure or justify our actions.  Regret pleads for the control which has been denied to us.  It calls for an outcome more suited to our own happiness, an end more in line with our own plans, an occurrence more complimentary to our character.  Regret demands personal sovereignty and denies the goodness of God.

When bad things happen in the world around us, we like to remember that God promises to work all things together for good to those who love Him (Rom. 8:28).  Why does that promise seem less real when I am the instrument of chaos?  We love to be the agents of God’s sweet goodness in the world.  Are we willing to be the instruments of His hard goodness?  Once we have done what He requires in terms of repentance, restitution or apology, are we willing to trust Him with the past, to leave it in His hands, to offer our failures as well as our successes for His purposes?  It is a greater sacrifice to give Him our regrets than to give Him our achievements.  Perhaps it is also a greater honor, a greater worship.  It is certainly evidence of a richer faith.  Give me that faith, Lord.

God of the Ages, time is no obstacle to You.  Walk ahead of us and guard our way.  Walk with us and help us love well.  Walk behind us and clean up our messes.  And let us leave them in Your good hands as an offering of faith.  All to your glory.

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